


Mirror Mirror, On The Wall

by Confused_Em0



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: 616 elements, Age of Ultron compliant, Angst, M/M, PTSD, Post Captain America Civil War, my take on civil war and the events that follow, or possibly pre slash, pre slash, spoilers for age of ultron and comic book civil war, winteriron
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-03
Updated: 2015-07-05
Packaged: 2018-03-05 03:13:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3103445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Confused_Em0/pseuds/Confused_Em0
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony seems to be the only person able to bring Bucky back (from the recesses of his dark mind) while he himself, struggles with the consequences of his past actions and morality which lead him to face Steve Rogers on the opposite side of an all consuming war.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Crosses to Bear

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there. 
> 
> I wanted to try my hand at writing some Bucky and Tony interaction. I just have a feeling that given their histories, they might actually have a better understanding of one another than what people would expect? Basically I'm just giving excuses to write WinterIron. Shrugs.
> 
> Onwards!
> 
> Edit 06/15: So after watching AoU and reading possible synopsis for Civil War, this story has taken a certain route and will be post Civil War, dealing with relationships between Tony and the other Avengers, particularly Steve and Bucky. This will more apparent in the subsequent chapters.

"Barnes... Hey Barnes, look at me.

_"Bucky."_

The wild steel-blue eyes flickered immediately to his; pupils blown wide and swimming in distress.

Metal fingers were clenched fiercely in dirty-brown hair as James Buchanan Barnes' body convulsed from violent flash-backs; breathing erratic and shallow, almost pained.

Tony did a quick survey of the room, noticing a silent, yet weary and alert Natasha near the shadows of the closest wall and a subdued Clint leaning against a window to her right, before approaching Barnes a little closer; both SHIELD agents a little jittery and uncertain with what to do in the current situation, trying to let Steve handle it while being only on standby in case the Winter Solider came out to play. However, the Captain seemed to be making very little progress in trying to contain the memory-induced panic attack.

The engineer silently asked Steve to move back a few paces as he seemed to be crowding the panic-stricken Barnes on the floor; unsuccessful in his attempts to provide comfort to his best friend of the past.

The super-soldier looked harrowed; face gaunt and cerulean blue-eyes anguished; dropping his wavering hands to his sides as he moved away, closer toward the edge of the couch but remained near enough to intercede or provide support as necessary.

Tony maintained eye contact with the Soviet ex-assassin, crouching to a lower position so he was at eye-level with Barnes, careful not to initiate any contact due to the unstable nature of the panic attack lest it lead to him flying into a wall.

Barnes' eyes were still manic as the _Soldier_ fought to take control but he didn't look away from Tony, focusing on his every movement.

Steve tried to approach again but a shake of the head from Tony had him stilling immediately; Steve clearly still upset with not being able to help his friend directly; jaw locked tight in a morose expression with knuckles drained white in clenched fists at his sides.

Tony spoke, slowly, carefully, calmly, searching Barnes' eyes, trying to draw his focus solely to him. "Whatever it is, it's not your fault. You are no longer there. You're here. In the now. With us. They can't touch you, they can't get to you."

Normalcy. Repetition. Facts. Draw focus. "You are Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes, you are in the present, in the Avengers Tower, in New York, the date is 19th December 2016."

The torrent of emotions seemed to cascade in the pale eyes almost immediately as though the soldier was finally seeing Tony, finally registering who he really was.

"You- You're - l..."

"My name is Tony Stark. I am your housemat - "

That seemed to be the wrong thing to say as Barnes made a violent gesture - hands pulling mercilessly at the long strands of hair, blunt fingernails clawing at the sides of his ashen face as he drew into himself, appearing as though he wanted to melt into the ground; a sound so horrifying tearing past this throat, it came out as a desperate half-sob.

Behind him, Tony could hear Steve's breath hitch while one of the other two assassins present in the room cursed under their breath.

Despite himself, Tony felt his stomach churn when Barnes whimpered. "You, you do- don't understand.... Ton-y... I...

_"Howard"._

Ah.

So it was _that_ memory.

Tony still struggled with his feelings regarding what Natasha and Steve had discovered after their blast from the past with Arnim Zola. SHIELD being compromised had been the least of his worries after what had been unearthed regarding his parents' untimely demise. And that incident, which had made his blood run cold upon finding the truth, had everything and yet, nothing, to do with the man that lay trembling from torment on the floor of one of his apartments in the very building he owned.

Some would say that he was housing and catering to the soldier who had murdered his parents in cold blood - a dark and damaged part of his subconscious would agree - and yet, "It wasn't your fault."

"But I, I - "

Tony took in a short breath, considering. "You know if it wasn’t you, it would've been someone else."

This seemed to shock Barnes enough to meet the engineer's eyes again, somewhat stilling his spastic behaviour.

"The being that killed Maria and Howard wasn't you. If Hydra hadn't gotten you, they would've gotten someone else. Someone else to be the soldier. You could even consider it like an outer-body experience. It happened to be you because you were there, accessible, already damaged goods to try and experiment on; if unsuccessful, you would've died either way."

Steve sucked in a harsh breath at that, clearly wanting to chastise the billionaire, though he didn't interrupt. Tony realised his words would appear almost callous but he wouldn't apologise for them. He had to say it like it was. Barnes' needed to hear it straight. No more sugar coating anything.

"It wasn't because you were inherently evil, any more easier than somebody else to manipulate. You just happened to be discovered. Put another person in your position and they would've gone through the same thing. Now would you be so quick to condemn them when they didn't have a choice? When they had no autonomy over their own body, over their own mind?"

Tony tried not to think about how many times he had gone through these exact words in his head when Jarvis had collated a thorough report on everything the Winter Soldier under Hydra's control had done over the past seventy years.

Had desperately hung onto when the bitter feelings surfaced every time he would look into eyes that had once been familiar to his father, belonging to a person whom the late Stark had called a friend.

Despite how Howard had treated him as a child, he had still meant something to Tony; begrudge as Tony would be to admitting it, the man had saved his life in the form of a vibranium core for the arc reactor that had once rested in his chest.

But what really forced the edge of a sharp knife through his heart was knowing how his mother had actually met her end. The thought didn't escape him when he realised that if it hadn't been for the Winter Soldier, his life might have been different right now. How different exactly he wasn't sure - he surmised, he might never have had to go under Obie's care and the one person he had considered his mentor might not have tried to kill him.

Despite all the flaws Howard had possessed, Maria Stark had been somewhat of a bright light in his life. And that had been snuffed when he was only seventeen. So yeah, it was hard when Steve brought his ex-assassin friend along to stay in the Avengers Tower - to live in the same home as the man's son he had killed almost thirty years ago; in the beginning the Captain having tried to conceal the fact from Tony himself.

It was the first time since meeting him, where Tony had felt genuine surprise at how callous and disappointing the man that had been his childhood hero could be.

If it hadn't been for what Jarvis had found, the genius wondered whether Steve and Natasha would have ever even told him the truth.

Irrespective of the facts however, after meeting Barnes he accepted that, "The only difference between you and someone else is that you are a better man, who was eventually able to beat that control and is trying to regain his own true memories; that is here with us trying to lead an honest life. If you were truly responsible for it, you would feel no guilt Bucky. Guilt does not exist in the absence of a conscience."

Tony didn't like to assume such free familiarity with a person who he's only known for a short amount of time but the name Bucky seemed to be the only true anchor the Sergeant had in this new life. It was almost a trigger to draw and focus his attention when the soldier had memory induced panic attacks.

The oddity of the whole situation was that _Tony_ appeared to be the only person capable of anchoring Barnes to the real world where even Steve seemed to struggle to help his childhood friend. Though the situation only came across as odd to the rest of the members of the household - Tony didn't seem to find it so surprising that Barnes responded to him. Tony really did understand, better than some in fact, what it was like to be drawn so far into the dark recesses of one's mind that it was near impossible not to lose hold of reality completely; to not be able to dissociate memory from the present. Tony _knew_ , had felt, the crushing weight of anxiety in his sternum; so overwhelming was the sensation that the first time it had occurred, he had thought he had been poisoned.

So yeah, he got it, could empathise.

"You did not kill Howard and Maria Stark." And just like that the billionaire saw the storm in the pale grey eyes starting to clear.

The room was deathly silent; none of the other current occupants of the living room made even the slightest movement as they waited for Barnes to do something; Tony's words hanging heavily in the air.

The younger male finally moved himself into a seated position on the floor; Tony noticing the rumpled clothes, week old stubble, unkempt hair, sunken bloodshot eyes and hollowed cheeks. The boy, who was still by all rights, very young, looked like a corporeal form without a soul; drained and broken just like the words he spoke next.

"They were my hands, dirtied by their blood... _He was my friend."_

Something twisted sharply in Tony's gut. He smothered the sensation, focusing on keeping the flow of his words even. "And that fact hasn’t changed.

"Someone else's hands would've done the same thing. Just because you were taken doesn't mean another faceless figure couldn't have filled that title. If you would've died Barnes, the Winter Soldier would've existed regardless of the fact, so long as Hydra did. It wasn't you that made the soldier, Hydra merely used your body as a vessel. And there's nothing else to it.

"I know you have a lot of guilt to live with and I certainly won't begrudge you of that but if we're keeping tabs, I wonder if your ledger is as red as mine, if your toll count runs in the thousands, if not millions? They called me The Merchant of Death for a reason. It was a title I lived up to horrifyingly well."

And wouldn't Tony know just that. How could one hold Barnes accountable for something he hadn't been consciously aware of while Tony himself, had very consciously made the decision to design and manufacture weapons that would only ever lead to mass devastation? There were days when he would wonder how people like Pepper and Rhodey, someone so innocent like Happy, could even consider him a friend, let alone family.

"In this home, under this roof, you won't find a single person, who doesn't have something to regret, to feel humiliating guilt over regarding their past and not one of us can do a damn thing to go back and change it."

He didn't need to point out that the other half of the Avengers had a blood count that could rival the Winter Soldier's any day, if not being higher. "We all have our crosses to bear Barnes, point is what are you willing to do to pay for your sins? Penance can only come through acceptance of the past and change for the future."

Eventually, when he noticed that Barnes' breathing had become laboured, eyes settled into a resting deliberation with brows furrowed in concentration rather than mania as he considered the engineer's words, Tony slowly rose to his feet.

"Yeah there might not be enough that you can do to truly make up for what happened, for the debt you feel like you owe, but you sure as hell can keep the rest of your life trying. At least that gives you a purpose when you desperately need one to continue existing."

Barnes watched Tony stand and move away a few paces, making way for Steve to retake his previous position next to the Sergeant; clapping a gentle hand over the soldier's shoulder when Steve got close enough.

Tony watched the interaction between the two for a few seconds; Barnes' attention never left Tony's person once while Steve lingered near him. Eventually Steve's eyes flickered his way as well; unsettling the billionaire when he noticed the genuine gratitude reflected there, solely for Tony. It wasn't the first time Tony had seen it and yet he still hadn't gotten used to the gesture - didn't think he ever really would. It wasn't like he helped Barnes out of his panic attacks for the Captain, though he supposed the effort was appreciated by Steve either way. Tony did it simply because he seemed to be the only person Barnes genuinely responded to.

The genius considered the ex-assassin for a few more moments before parting with his final words, "You're going to keep ending up in this position, until you forgive yourself or at the very least accept what's happened. You can hole yourself up all you want, isolate the rest of the world and enter a void when the going gets tough but that gets you nowhere. I had to learn that the hard way.

"Ultimately, the choice is yours."

As Tony made his way out of the room, he could feel four pairs of eyes lingering on his back; the room remaining deafeningly silent long after he had left it.


	2. The [in]sanity of one's mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter deals with Steve/Tony interaction, with mentions of Bucky.  
> Heavy post civil war references.

“Thank-you for helping out the other day.”  

Tony put down the welding torch he had been staring at vacantly for the past few minutes before turning to acknowledge the Captain, having not even heard the slide of the workshop doors or Friday’s likely made announcement of the new arrival.  

“Barnes better now?” he asked Rogers once the male was in proximity; drawing his eyes up and focused just past the taller man’s left shoulder.     

The blond nodded; blue eyes watching Tony’s every movement closely. “I know you’re still not completely comfortable with him being here…”  

Tony didn’t fail to hear the unsaid, implied, ‘ _and me,_ ’ in the sentence.    

 “You were in the same room Cap. You heard what I said. I don’t know what part of what went down gave you that impression.”

He had helped Barnes out of his panic attack - something which only Tony seemed to be able to do - what more did Rogers want? Besides it wasn't as if the panic attacks were commonplace now, at least not since Barnes had given up, or rather _given back_ , the shield.    

 Tony turned to walk away, a few paces back, putting some distance between he and Steve in his workshop. The brunet still struggled to completely meet the blue eyes; eyes that had haunted his every waking thought not all that long ago; the empty, dead pools becoming an endless void that had felt like it had sucked the life right out of Tony when he had last looked so closely into them.     

His fists clenched painfully at his sides.    

 “You know what I mean Tony.”  

“No I don’t,” the engineer bit out stubbornly.   

 Steve took a step forward, though the look Tony directed toward him, had him at least momentarily stilling; concern and an emotion Tony couldn’t identify - _didn’t want to_ \- flickering between expressions.     

The younger man suddenly looked very tired. He took a moment to himself to try and decide how to broach what he intended to talk about, though his eyes never left Tony’s presence once as he contemplated.

“I know a part of you hated him in the beginning,” Steve started, much to Tony’s chagrin, intending it seemed to discuss Barnes, “It was justified given… given what the _Soldier_ …had done, but even then… I could see, even if you couldn’t or refused to acknowledge it, but even then I could see that you really didn’t believe he was at fault.”   

 The already developed frown between Tony’s eyebrows deepened. “What’s your point?” He drew out slowly.     

Steve’s eyes met his chestnut-brown dead on. “That when you wanted to have Bucky convicted for the crimes the _Winter Soldier_ committed, you were trying to convince yourself very hard of what you _should_ feel instead of what you _actually_ did.”   

 Tony could feel his gut twist uncomfortably. He couldn’t let this get to him. Not now. Not when he had tried so hard to make peace with it. He unclenched his tight fists in a deliberate affectation of calmness, trying for nonchalance but his tone came more biting than anything. “We both know that I was wrong in my initial hostility toward Barnes, _Captain_. It’s already been established given all my recent interactions with him that I don’t hold him accountable, even though I had very much wanted him behind bars the moment I realised the _Soldier_ had killed my parents in cold blood.”     

 _And the fact that you had kept that knowledge hidden from me in the beginning, well_ …Wanting Barnes behind bars was an understatement. “So I repeat my question, what is your point?”   

 The concern in Steve’s eyes seemed to gather depth. “That regardless of knowing and accepting all of this…you’re still bitter.”    

Despite himself Tony was genuinely taken aback by the statement; wide eyes blinking slowly as he processed the words.  

He had thought Steve would’ve had enough sense not to venture down that road. He tried to keep the ice out of his voice as best as he could. “Still bitter that my parents are dead? That kind of thing tends to stay with you no matter how hard you try to ignore the fact that they were unjustly _murdered_.”

As harsh and as cynical as his words sounded, what Tony had told Barnes not more than a few days ago, had been the absolute truth. The Winter Soldier had been a weapon; James Buchanan Barnes was a victim - a truth which he had accepted, had come to terms with at the end of the war, on the fated day that changed the course of the rest of his life.    

Steve's voice became considerably softer. “That’s not what I mean.” 

 Tony suddenly felt infinitely more frustrated. “My time is still valuable. I don’t have enough of it to waste.”   

 Steve took a step forward. “Extremis.”   

 A simple world and yet it was like a violent punch to the gut. Tony sucked in a harsh breath. He really, _really_ didn’t want to have this conversation. He wanted to walk out of there, away from Steve and his relentless persistence and he made to as well but the Captain’s words had him stilling, always drawing him back in.    

 “You’re angry,” the blond said matter-of-factly. “Very angry. Still. About the fact that you had to get it.”    

Tony had to look away. He couldn’t do this while maintaining eye contact with Rogers. He swallowed hard. “It was a necessity.”  

“To save me.”    

The engineer’s hands were shaking and he had to duck behind the nearest desk to keep them hidden, more from himself than the other occupant of the room.

“To right a wrong,” Tony forced out once he regained composure.    

 “But you regret it.” Steve’s tone was filled with so much sadness that Tony’s eyes drew toward him in spite of his efforts to keep his gaze away.    

 “I can see it eating away at you.” The blond moved closer and Tony wouldn’t have even noticed it weren’t for the fact that Steve had to pause his movements, unable to move further with the desk in the way.

“Was it really worth it Tony?” His expression was so anguished Tony had to wonder if he’d ever seen such an expression on Steve’s face before. Even when they had gone to war.      

“I mean you can barely even look at me nowadays. Can’t stand more than a few moments in the same room as either me or Bucky unless it’s to help Bucky out of his panic attacks - ”   

 - And Tony couldn’t believe this, “Are you really asking me if it was worth rectifying my mistakes?”     

“I’m asking you if it was worth saving my life _at a cost to your own_?”   

 Tony felt like time had momentarily stopped; his brain unable to process any other coherent thoughts apart from those words stuck on repeat, echoing through the caverns of his mind.     

 _Was it worth it?_  

 Steve drew in a short breath, placing his palms on the desk between them and leaning in so that he was but a hairsbreadth away from the engineer’s face.“You almost died Tony…bringing me back… and if it weren’t for Extremis you really well could have. But I can’t seem to figure out which of the scenarios is the worse outcome. Because you hate your existence even more now than you seemed to have in the beginning and I can’t help but think if it wasn’t better off if I had just remained dea-”    

“Don’t!” Tony recoiled back almost violently; shocked by the ferocity of his own reaction as his mind was left reeling by the implications of the Captain’s words. How could Steve ever think that Tony wouldn’t have - _shouldn’t have_ \- made that choice. In the grand scheme of things it was the only acceptable thing to do.  

 “Do I regret becoming a superhuman with pretty much next to no risk of dying by natural causes? Yeah, like you wouldn’t imagine. I mean given how shit my life already was, given all the evils of my past, there really wasn’t much I could do to make up for it all, but at least I knew that someday I would be able to accept my penance in death. That I’d finally be able to put my thoughts to rest. But now…? I don’t even have that.”  
  
He suddenly had the shocking urge to lay waste to everything around him as the madness of his situation hit him full force. He had surely talked a good talk to Barnes about moving forward and not holing yourself up but yet here he was living within the chaos of his own mind. In all fairness, he had been doing quite well, had seemed to make a better turn around within the past year… but then that had much to do with the fact that he had avoided being around his teammates, the two soldiers in particular, as much as he could have, only being in close proximity when absolute need be.    
  
“I guess that’s just the cruel irony of my existence that I have to come to accept.” He turned fierce eyes towards Rogers, “But don’t you stand there and tell me that I should regret what I did to make up for my wrongs during the war and as a result of it.”

  
His chest tightened uncomfortably as his mind wandered down a crippling train of thought- a sensation that would have been unbearable in the past with an arc reactor and reduced lung capacity, now with a perfectly healed chest with absolutely no visible scaring, was more a strong ache than anything else. “I had to watch you die the first time Wanda showed me a vision of my darkest fears and then all of it came true when I held your body in front of those courthouse steps. There was no way I could deal with the insanity of knowing that I truly was responsible for it all -”    

“But you weren’t -”   

Tony shook his head. “I might as well have pulled the trigger myself.”   

 Steve was quiet for a long while after just looking at Tony, who refused to look back, staring vacantly at the opposite wall instead, already too far into his head.    

 Steve took in a small breath, his voice soft, barely audible when he spoke next, “I’m sorry.”  

Tony’s head jerked immediately in his direction. “ _You’re_ sorry?”   

 “After everything that happened - happened between - between us… I don’t think I ever got a chance to really apologise for how everything got handled.”    

“I was very much a part of the war we both started Steve.”    

“And yet it seems like you blame yourself entirely. We were both responsible for what happened and we both needed to have talked it out instead of going straight to battle.”   

 Tony wanted to laugh but knew it would come out sounding completely deranged or brokenly hollow. “That’s the thing… Despite wanting the outcome to have been different or not having other subconscious motives driving me, my ideals or beliefs haven’t changed. After Ultron, we needed some form of regulation, accountability - your side didn’t believe in those ways.”   

 “I believe in accountability just as much as you do Tony but I don’t believe in the methods that they were intended.”    

Tony did end up laughing; the sound completely devoid of any humour or light, empty. “My point is that we’re both so different that we would’ve gone to war irrespective.”    

Steve’s brows pulled together in a frown; the Captain drawing his arms to his sides and straightening his posture; a strongly determined look overtaking his features. “I don’t think we’re all that different to be honest. Different approaches to situations but the final goal or destination is always the same."

He considered Tony for a moment; the intensity of his gaze making Tony’s skin itch. “Maybe we were supposed to go to war but not for the reasons you believe. Maybe we were supposed to go to war only to realise how foolish the idea was, that we are far better together than we could ever be apart. It was always supposed to be you and me trying to save the world instead of tearing it down facing each other on opposite sides.”   

 Tony felt his breath catch. After all the years of having known Steve, after everything they had been through, he was still, even now, completely thrown by the man’s bare honesty. They were better together? Tony could hardly let himself believe that. He was destructive by nature and his interactions with Steve only ever seem to perpetuate that side of him.  
  
Steve moved some distance away so that it didn’t appear like he was crowding Tony who looked as though he was suffocating from the weight of Steve’s words, giving him room to breathe. “I wish you learned to forgive yourself Tony just like you told Bucky to accept the past.    

 “I understand how you have a connection with each other despite the initial animosity because you both have a penchant for unjustified self-hatred and pasts you can’t separate yourself from.”   

That wasn’t fair. Tony had tried, hadn’t he? Tried to distance himself from the calamity that was his past life, chase away ghosts that never seemed to want to relinquish their hold on him, distance himself from the unfounded jealousy he had felt of his father’s relationship with his childhood hero - never quite being able to measure up to _Captain America_. The war had made him realise how misplaced his feelings were, how much his past had weighed down on him, worsening the burden of his guilt.

Steve seemed unperturbed by Tony’s internal dilemma as he continued speaking, but how could he know what was going on in the engineer’s head? “What you said to Bucky made me almost believe that you had moved on, or were capable of it, but you still cling to this overhanging bitterness that you can’t seem to shake off. I wish I could do something to make it all better, a part of me wishes I could take Extremis away if only to give you peace of mind but I should be embarrassed to admit - even though I’m not - that a bigger part of me is selfish and wouldn’t let you give it up for anything in the world. Because that’s the only way we get to keep you in this life.     

 “For all that you say that you couldn’t watch me die, what in the world would make you think that I could come back to this life only to realise you were the sacrifice for that to happen? You couldn’t live with the guilt of what you felt were consequences as a result of your actions but Tony… I wouldn’t be able to live in a world where I existed and as a result you didn’t. Take whatever you will from that.”     

Steve made to turn away before stopping to look back over his shoulder and leaving with something that would keep Tony awake for many other nights, “I hope one day you’ll realise what your worth really is because if there is any one of us that really deserves happiness… it’s you.”  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully that wasn't too confusing **sweats**
> 
> Thanks for taking the time to read :)


	3. It’s Been a Long Day [Without You My Friend]

Tony placed the glass he had been drinking water from on the kitchen counter; the bare moonlight passing through the nearby open window the only source of light in the otherwise dark surrounding.   
  
He turned to the other occupant of the room, who was seated on the barstool next to him; a slight slouch of his shoulders indicating how mentally exhausted he felt. “I don’t know what you want me to say Nat? There really is nothing else to it.”  
  
The redhead’s expression remained deadpan. “So there really is nothing else to the fact that you’re deliberately avoiding them? Let alone the rest of us? And don’t even try to deny it Tony because that’s really pathetic even for you.”  
  
Tony ducked his head, avoiding the Russian’s gaze, wondering why he had even bothered to sleep that night anyway, only to be awoken two hours later by a nightmare -  the same recurring nightmare of dead eyes, broken screams and endless darkness. He had wondered into the communal kitchen, not asking Friday if anyone was still awake - as her voice would only be an added reminder of all that he’d lost in the past - to find Natasha already seated on one of the barstools, hunched over the countertop; malaise screaming from every angle of her body.  
  
He had had half a mind to walk back out but when the woman raised her head to acknowledge him; the heartbreaking expression that crossed her face was enough for him to grab a glass of water and sit down into the seat next to hers. He figured that by now he shouldn’t be surprised to see at least one other person awake at three o’clock in the morning.   
  
Despite their history with the war, Natasha had been one of the first people to reach out to him and apologise for how everything had turned out; she had never intended to make it seem like she had picked sides but as far as Tony had been concerned the effect had pretty much been the same. Though they managed to work through their issues post war and together had then helped Barnes integrate to his new role as the Captain. Through their grief and loss, both he and Natasha had made some sort of, albeit fragile, (at the time) connection. The gratitude she had shown him when Steve had returned had been immeasurable.  
  
After taking a seat next to her by the kitchen counter, they had remained silent for the good half of an hour, but Tony had suspected that wouldn’t last given how adamant Natasha had been over the past year about attempting to fix broken relationships. The war had made her realise how important each and every single one of those relationships was. And given how Tony had indeed been doing his best to avoid the others, it was only a matter of time before Natasha would have called him out on it.   
  
What was he supposed to say? He could try and find excuses, ones that he had spent some time thinking up, which in all honesty failed in merit, but he figured there really was no point in lying to her. He took a few seconds deliberating on the answer and found he had none to give, so silence was the only response he could offer.   
  
Natasha sighed from her position next to him, reaching over to place a gentle hand over his; squeezing what used to be scarred fingers, slightly.  “I can’t begin to fully imagine what you’re going through Tony… but I do understand. We were all there. Part of something we never really acknowledged would turn out to be catastrophic.” She stroked his fingers delicately - an action that seemed paradoxically far too melancholic though likely not intended to be. “In the end we all suffered. I know you’re taking it harder than some of the rest of us because you feel singularly responsible - something that really shouldn’t be surprising given how long I’ve known you.”  
  
“I’m getting the feeling that you have a point to saying all of this?”  
  
“My point is that you can’t keep punishing yourself.”  
  
Tony frowned, “What makes you think I’m punishing myself Nat?”  
  
“You let go of what you considered the most important thing in your life.”  
  
Tony couldn’t believe Natasha would bring this up now as he pulled his fingers back from hers. But then again, the engineer hadn’t really talked about this particular topic since… well, since… “And now she’s getting married. You want to talk about Pepper, Natasha? Really?”  
  
She reached over and picked up Tony’s forgotten glass before taking a sip of water and placing it back on the counter. “I just don’t understand why you did it. I guess I can admit to seeing your reasoning but _Zaika_ …she loved you. She really would have done anything for you, stayed with you.”  
  
Tony didn’t know why he had the sudden urge to laugh, or was he confusing the impulsion with one to scream? “And therein lies the problem. She told me a long time ago that her body literally couldn’t handle the stress I put her through. I could’ve ruined the company or ended up dead and she would in every scenario, find out too late. It scared her Natasha, the risks of being with me. I could see what it was doing to her - she was always better at hiding her anxiety or keeping her emotions under control, I mean come on she’s Pepper - but it still clawed away at her, ageing her too quickly, well beyond her years; ripping away painfully and slowly at shreds of her sanity…. And you question _why I did it_?”   
  
His voice was quieter now as if to suppress it from reaching levels of hysteria. “I was never any good for her… It only took a calamitous war and getting Extremis for the message to finally sink in. Happy will treat her right. They are two of the best people I know, closest to my heart… They’ve earned every bit of good that comes their way.”   
  
The earnestness in his expression must have shown for Natasha’s gaze softened. “You deserve happiness too _Zaika_.” Tony felt something in his chest tighten at that. The sentiment eerily similar to what Steve had implied in his workshop not so long ago, the last time Tony had actually had had a one-on-one conversation with the man. “I couldn’t be selfish anymore Nat, not with her, not with Pepper - she deserves a better life than what I could ever give her. She deserves stability and a family of her own, things which I would always keep from her.”  
  
Despite the words and the situation, the redhead gave a wan smile, “Now you sound like Bruce.”  
  
“Bruce and I are older, he’s probably wiser. You should listen to your elders.”   
Natasha gave a small and humourless laugh. “He wouldn’t even give me a chance.”   
  
Standing on opposite sides of a war tends to cloud people’s judgement but he wasn’t about to say that out loud to the already heartbroken Russian. “I get where he’s coming from. Bruce and I, we… know and understand our limitations, better in fact, than anyone else. He’s right to want you to move on Nat. We all saw how you were with Barnes, it’s easy enough to see why the Big Guy would think you two could be good for each other.”  
  
The strangled noise Natasha made at the back of her throat was enough to startle Tony. “Yeah… He would think that, wouldn’t he? You too are indeed made from the same strain.” Her expression looked so broken - emotions he had not once seen so openly displayed on the assassin’s face - that Tony didn’t even think on it as he moved his barstool closer to hers so that he could run his hand soothingly down her back. The redhead hiccuped upon the contact. “I don’t know what the more laughable fact is - is it that James has next to no romantic feelings for me or the fact that even if he did, I would never actually reciprocate?”   
  
“You wouldn’t even give each other the chance Natasha? You seemed to have the closest understanding of him during the war.” And that fact had been true. Natasha had been one of the only people Barnes had listened to, had relied upon as a close ally, if nothing else.   
  
Natasha turned anguished eyes toward him. “And yet _you_ were the only person Tony - despite not being able to stand each other in the beginning - to convince James to take up the shield when…when Steve… when Steve was go- not around,” It wasn’t hard to see that Natasha still, to this day, struggled with talking about the assassination on those courthouse steps as much as Tony had refused to accept its outcome, “and _you_ are the only person who manages to help him through his panic attacks.”  
  
Tony didn’t know whether to laugh or to scoff. “I’d hardly say that that’s evidence to suggest Barnes is romantically inclined toward me than to you Nat.” He had of course said that in absolute jest because there was no universe, where there would ever be a remote possibility of that ringing true, yet Natasha’s expression did not change. He didn’t want to think too hard about why that was.   
  
“Is it really that difficult for you to accept that they might actually care for you Tony? Both James _and_ Steve.”   
Tony really didn’t understand how he was supposed to respond to that? Even if the mere thought that the two soldiers cared for him was laughable, at the end of the day, did it really matter if they did? Would it be enough to change where they were now? Tony honestly couldn’t say if it would be.   
   
“We’ve come a long way,” Natasha continued, “from the days of fighting each other and the faux government. You even did the impossible, almost died, bringing back our original Captain and for what…?   
  
“A lot of us still haven’t quite completely mended bridges. There are still emotions and past actions that sometimes feel so heavy that they weigh us completely down and can become defensive walls instantly when someone says something that hits too close to home, reopening wounds that still feel too fresh, too raw sometimes. Hell, despite coming to terms with all that happened between us, there are days where Clint and I can barely look each other in the eye and it _kills_ me. But… but…” The redhead seemed to struggle with her words, again a trait he had not seen in Natasha for as long as he had known her; expressions changing from frustrated to resigned to finally rest on forlorn.   
  
“Regardless of this, we’re all trying. Trying to move forward, trying to come together to work for the greater good. Yeah, some of us will never be able to go back to what we had but at least we’re working towards building new kinds of alliances if not explicitly friendships just yet. Everybody… Except you.”   
  
She took in a small inhale of breath as her eyes (eyes that could reach inside your soul and dismantle its bare contents) regarded Tony. “Sometimes I actually feel surprised that you even talk to me Tony, given I was on the other side, when apart from Clint, who was on yours, you don’t really talk to anybody else.” Tony supposed he could argue that he still talked to Bruce and Rhodey just fine but then given that they had both been on his side - as was apparently expected - and were no longer active Avengers, he could concede to Natasha on this one.   
  
He gave a long, dejected sigh; eyes by now accustomed to the darkness focusing on a lone spot on the stove next to the fridge, “I’m trying Natasha…”  
  
“But?”  
  
“But nothing, really. Just know that I am trying. It’s just not as easy as one would hope.”  
  
“How do you do it then?”  
  
“Do what?”  
  
“James. How do you manage to help him?”   
  
“That, you should ask him since he’s the one that responds.”   
  
“That’s not what I mean.” Tony merely raised an eyebrow in question.   
  
“How do you put aside your differences and help him when any interaction with him clearly still bothers you? At first, when you helped him transition into becoming….the new… Cap, I thought that maybe you’d finally accepted him as a person and not a killing machine, that maybe given time you’d even welcome him into your heart… but it’s been over a year since Steve came back Tony and yet you still can’t seem to stand being around them. So I get curious as to how you could forgive me and not them, at least not completely? And despite your feelings, why you even help James in the first place when you can just as easily tell both he and Steve to leave and they’d do so without complaint?”  
  
Tony ran a hand through his slightly longer hair, fingers catching at the curling ends as he attempted to straighten them out while tapping into his cybernetic interface to check on the time, which now read 4.15 am. “There is a logical reasoning behind why I do what I do. You know I don’t blame Barnes Nat, you know that. And if there is no blame to pass, then how can I hold him responsible for the past? And if there’s no reason for me to hold him accountable, then there really is no reason why I can’t, _shouldn’t_ , help him. But none of this means that I have to like him just because. Or that I have to extend a hand of friendship. We work together and that’s it really. I can’t honestly guarantee that that will ever change. I do feel for the absolute soul-wrenching hardships he’s had to suffer, I mean who wouldn’t? But there are just somethings that you can’t move past.” He only hoped she believed him when he said he was trying. He really was.    
  
“As for him responding to me…. A part of me used to think that he only did so because he felt guilty about killing my parents…and that If I gave him reassurance that it was okay, I could appease that guilt but eventually I realised that it was grossly unfair to assume that. He had been a tool, a vessel wiped of conscious thought, and when he came to himself his mind would slip away into the dark abyss of his subjugated killings - a virtuous man succumbed to the punishment of his realised conscience. I could relate - the darkness of your mind is a dangerous thing. It creeps in so quickly and takes over all coherent thought that if you don’t get a hold on it, it can drive you completely mad. Barnes needs reassurance that the he and the Soldier are different entities inhabiting the same body, when he learns to separate that, he overcomes his panic attacks. That’s really all I do - guide him toward acceptance of the past even if some would say it sounds hypocritical coming from me - but the fact that it helps is enough.   
  
“As for Steve… well… I don’t know Nat. I don’t know if I still feel guilty about what happened, despite bringing him back, or angry that shit went to hell in the first place.”   
  
Natasha was quiet for a few moments as she seemed to deliberate over his words, before finally saying in a rather subdued tone, “He misses you.”   
  
Tony did scoff this time around; the sound more hollow than cynical. “I guess any past shared camaraderie didn’t matter to him much when he stood on the other side.”   
  
“That’s not fair Tony… you know he was only trying to protect his friend.”   
  
“I know.” And yet that knowledge changed nothing for Tony.  
  
He considered all that Natasha had said to him within the past hour and went for the most genuine reasoning he could find within himself, feeling as though his now fully physically mended heart was bleeding. “Maybe because I trusted him the most, our history of the war is the hardest for me to overcome. Something broke in me when he had to hurt each other and that something completely shattered when he died right in front of me.”   
  
Natasha’s tone had taken on a more desperate tone when she spoke next, “Isn’t it something that he’s back now, that he’s safe and it’s thanks to you? Isn’t that enough to move forward in forgiving each other and focusing on the future? Was it not you who said those words to James yourself? Think about all that you did to get Steve back to us and now you can’t even look him in the eye.”   
  
Tony winced visibly. That was a low blow even for someone so ruthlessly bold as Natasha.   
  
“He loves you Tony. The kind of love you get only through a strengthened friendship. You don’t know what happened to him, how he reacted when he found out you almost died. The thought alone just about ruined him. It hurt him like you wouldn’t believe having to go against some of the closest people in his life and when he surrendered it was because he could emotionally no longer endure it. He’d do a lot to keep James safe but if it was a choice for Steve between either himself or his friends, _you_ , Steve wouldn’t even consider himself a choice. In the end, he chose _you_. He surrendered to _you_ Tony, not to anyone else.   
  
“I know you’re still angry _Zaika_ … but there are worse things than getting Extremis.”    
  
Tony rubbed a hand along his face in resignation; his tone weary. “My time was up Nat… I could have retired and lead at least for me, a relatively peaceful life.”   
  
“I know Tony, I know… In case you weren’t aware I don’t exactly age at a normal human rate either. Part of the Widow programme was to create assassins with the characteristics of the world’s first super-soldier. The KGB created their own serum which was almost frighteningly identical to the one created by Erskine himself. The exact serum that runs through my veins as well as James’, albeit his is supposedly superior but the effect in essence is the same.”  
  
Of course Tony had been aware of this information after she had dumped it all on the internet at Pierce’s expense; though in the beginning when he’d first met her he’d had to wonder where her energy reserves came from, when after taking hit after hit, she only got back up with more ferocity; the outrageous strength she had seemed to possess only ever added to the curiosity.    
  
“We’ve all had to make the best of a terrible outcome. It’ll take some adjusting to but you’ll get there. You’re much stronger than you give yourself credit for. Isn’t it better to be able to control your armour at will now?” She gave a wry smile, “and the fact that nobody has to worry about you driving yourself to the brink of complete exhaustion is an added bonus.”  
  
Tony supposed that was one way of looking at things. With Extremis he no longer had to sleep long hours in order to recuperate; three or four hours seemed to be more than sufficient without feeling the slow burn of fatigue settle into his bones when he set to work non-stop. Then he figured there wasn’t much Extremis limited him from being able to do. If he didn’t absolutely abhor his situation, he might’ve even developed a complex.  
  
“At least now we’re going to have to stop calling you an old man. No more complaining about old bones and sore joints.” Tony tried a small smile when he looked over at Natasha, though the expression came out looking more doleful. The redhead leaned closer in order to brush away a few hair strands that had fallen along Tony’s forehead. “So handsome.” Tony did give a low chuckle at that; more of a strong inhale than anything close to a laugh. He figured Extremis did make him appear more desirable, a bit younger, though not considerably; that was genetically implausible according to Dr. Cho. The blue eyes however, would still take some getting used to.  
  
Natasha rested her hand on his cheek, stroking the skin, “I never apologised for not telling you about James in the beginning. If it’s any consolation, I wanted to… I just felt that Steve held the right to share that secret. I am so sorry.”  
  
“I know,” Tony answered back softly, placing his own hand over hers for a few moments, closing his eyes briefly at the sensation before removing it gently. “Give it time Nat. I might get there. Eventually.”  
  
The redhead looked away for some time before picking herself up from the barstool, intending it seemed to retire to her room. “Just don’t take too long Tony. Despite what we’ve become, despite our physical attributes, in our line of work we might not get a second chance to mend things that still can be fixed.” She placed a lingering kiss on his cheek. “At least don’t run away if they approach you themselves. Give them that much if you can.” She turned to look at him one last time before moving away. “Goodnight _Zaika_.”   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> zaika = bunny in Russian. 
> 
> Thank-you for reading (if you are still reading) :)
> 
> [Please let me know if I should keep going. Your support means a lot!]


	4. The Things You'd Never Said

  
“This is the third time you’ve damaged your arm in two weeks. I’m beginning to suspect it’s not entirely accidental.” Tony looked away from the holographic display of the inner workings of Barnes’ metal arm in order to face the soldier instead, having completed the mandatory repairs less than fifteen minutes ago.   
  
The man in question had his head bowed slightly, long hair falling into his eyes as if he was contemplating his answer; bare chest moving with each strong inhale of breath. He slowly raised his head to look back at Tony, watching with a scrutinising intensity.   
  
Where Tony thought he wouldn’t receive an answer, he was surprised to hear, “It might not be. Just finding an excuse to talk to you.” To say Tony was taken aback would have been an understatement. He was actually doing it on purpose?  
  
“I have a feeling I’m going to regret asking but… why?”  
  
“ _Why_ would I want to talk to _you_ Tony Stark? Well that really shouldn’t be a mystery now should it?”  
  
Barnes slowly removed himself from the armchair he had been sitting on while Tony had worked on his arm, coming to stand to full height mere inches away from Tony.   
  
Tony felt his skin prickle at the closeness and moved a few paces back to create distance. When the engineer didn’t reply but kept with his wary gaze, Barnes sighed, looking away. “This conversation has been long overdue. I have to say something now or I’m afraid things will never change.”   
  
Tony frowned, feeling unease creep it’s way up his stomach coming to settle into his chest. “What are you talking about?” he questioned the ex-sergeant, who now looked more reserved than conflicted, as he had moments ago.     
  
Barnes turned back to face him after walking a few paces away, making his intention of not crowding the engineer clear; flexing his metal fingers a few times to reinitiate feeling within them. “The first time I saw you…” he considered Tony for a few brief seconds; gunmetal-blue eyes assessing, “I was floored by how much you looked like Howard and eventually by how much you _weren’t_ like him.”  
  
Tony sucked in a sharp inhale of breath through his nose; fists clenching at his sides involuntarily. He really wasn’t ready for a trip down memory lane but considering the fact that Barnes appeared serious about having this conversation, he thought to relent for the moment, before doing something drastic and unnecessary like lashing out.  
  
“The guilt that weighed down on me was raw,” Barnes continued, “And what was worse was that the hatred I saw in your eyes… I could relate to that - wild and unhinged. It struck a chord somewhere within me.” Barnes’ eyes flickered all over Tony’s face as if recalling the particular memory of the first meeting.   
  
“Even after our initial encounter, I couldn’t make myself hate you, even when you stood in the way or wanted me… _gone,_ even then.”   
_Gone,_ yeah good euphemism there Barnes, but despite this Tony was a little taken aback. He had honestly believed the soldier before him had felt a strong degree of animosity toward him, given the hostility that was evident between the pair right up until the conclusion of the war. To hear that there was no hatred involved on Barnes’ side, did leave Tony at least somewhat surprised.   
  
Barnes lowered his gaze, focusing on an idle point on the floor; a prominent frown gathered between his dark brows. “You might think that you know why you’re the only one that can help me Tony, but the truth is when I look at you, I see someone who’s gone through so much in their life yet still kept fighting; putting aside their own personal issues for the good of others. That despite a horrid past and despite the hatred he felt for the man that murdered his family, he was able to move forward for the greater good. And that in itself is something inspiring, something I can learn from. People may say that you’re a self-centred man but aside from Steve, I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone more selfless. A kind of selfless that Howard Stark never was.”  
  
Tony was suddenly struck by the sincerity of the words. He had never even spared a thought to the fact that the soldier across from him would consider seeing him in that light. He figured that Barnes’ response to him had a lot to do with relatability but never that the other man believed him to be selfless, anything other than the person who brought his best friend back from the dead.   
  
Barnes’ gaze shifted once again to look back at Tony, if only very briefly. Tony figured that Barnes had realised that close scrutiny or observation of Tony made the engineer really uncomfortable - the only person thus far to have done so and despite himself, Tony was thankful for that. “And believe it or not, it actually bothers me that I know you’re unhappy because of me, that you’re at this stage in your life where you feel like peace is no longer in your grasp, that I’m a big part of what brought about that unhappiness.  
  
“I know you say that you don’t blame me, but at the end of the day, that really doesn’t count for much does it?”  
  
Tony swallowed thickly; his palms a little sweaty at his sides. No, it really didn’t count for much. Not when Tony still struggled to completely separate the Winter Soldier’s identity from Barnes' own, particularly in the times when Barnes would utilise the Asset’s skills in combat.   
  
But as Tony looked back at the demure soldier opposite him, listening to his humbled words, he considered if it wasn’t finally time he really tried moving past his differences, completely, once and for all.   
  
Barnes took in a long breath. “I can relate to you Tony, in more ways than you’ll ever know,” blue eyes locked onto Tony’s, “Your love for Steve is one.”  
  
Tony’s breath hitched. “What…? I don’t - ”  
  
“You can try to deny it if you want.” The soldier sighed. “Truth is, it won’t change much, not the reality of the situation nor my views on the matter.”  
  
Barnes reached over toward the armchair to gather his shirt, before pulling it over his head in one fluid motion. “Maybe the love you feel for him is different to what I think it is, but I know what I’ve seen and all the things you’ve done for Steve and did because of him, lead to only one inevitable conclusion.”  
  
The ex-sergeant ran his flesh and blood hand through his hair; deft fingers sliding through the clean, long strands easily. “The thing is, despite everything Hydra took from me, did to me, a part of me that belonged entirely to Steve still knows him, understands him, and that part of me acknowledges beyond the shadow of a doubt, that he feels exactly the same way about you.   
  
“He loves you.”  
  
Tony’s response was immediate, his brain refusing to register or accept the words. “You’re wrong.”  
  
Barnes nodded as if he’d expected Tony to say as much. “That’s why I’m here to tell you something… that no-one else knows. Not Natasha, not Fury… nobody but Steve and I.”  
  
The words drew Tony’s attention to the man’s face, interest spiking at the curious statement. This was something he had not expected. “There was a time, right in the middle of the war,” Barnes began, “When things were getting out of hand and you finally decided to step in as Iron Man on behalf of the government becoming an active Recruiter of Runaways, when Steve decided that that was the last straw, that he couldn’t physically do it -  have to fight you that is. He wanted to meet with you in order to offer terms for peace, I was going to go with him. We never told each other this back then but both of us were prepared to surrender - I was prepared to surrender on behalf of not only the Winter Soldier but the entirety of the Anti-Reg side -  if it meant stopping collateral damage before it was too late.   
  
“But then some of your Pro-Reg guys ambushed us and we knew it was a lost cause.”  
  
Tony felt shock course through him, settling ice in his veins, chilling him where he stood. He had had no idea. All this time he had thought that Steve hadn’t cared about talking things through. “I- I.. didn’t know. I was never informed that you wanted to…”  
  
Barnes gave a short humourless laugh which was more an exhale of air, “Yeah I figured that out when we realised that Maria Hill was actually the one calling the shots.”  
  
Tony felt his mind racing with thoughts as a result of the revelation, trying to keep up as ideas and previous beliefs shifted, memories started changing, becoming re-imagined into a different light, suddenly having different meanings. He felt himself surprised when his mouth opened to form words his brain wasn’t paying attention to, “It wasn’t her fault. She was only following the government’s orders and even then trying to do her best by everyone.”  
  
Barnes nodded again. “I can’t even begin to imagine where to lie the blame for that war, let alone on one individual. I don’t think I can hold Maria Hill singularly responsible for something we were all a part of.”  
  
Tony was floored when he saw the slight tremor in the other man’s fingers. His eyes drifted toward Barnes’ face in spite of himself; breath catching in his throat when he witnessed the open sorrow there. “Believe me when I say I understand your anger. I _understand_. I really do. I think we’re all still angry about how things turned out but it’s worse for us because it is a very literal possibility that we might live with that anger forever. I’m only telling you this Tony because like the rest of us, I know you’ve suffered enough and I want you to know that your friends didn’t just turn their backs on you, that Steve had very well tried to stop the inevitable, that he really did care.   
  
“As for me, I know you don’t like me much and I appreciate that despite this you no longer blame me, but if it’s any consolation,” the soldier sucked in a sharp breath, his voice wavering as if attempting to stop it from shaking, “There isn’t a person in this world that hates me more than I hate myself.”  
  
Tony felt his blood run completely cold at the admission; blue-grey eyes widening in horror. He felt a strong tug in his chest at the words, in the same place the arc reactor once used to rest.   
  
“As unrealistic as the possibility is now with the time-gem destroyed, if there was ever an opportunity for time to reverse itself, for me to take back all the hurt and evil I have inflicted as the Winter Soldier, end my life before I could become the Asset, I would do so in a heartbeat. But then like you’ve said to me countless times before, there really is no point in living in the past.”   
  
Tony felt his fingers itching to reach out and he really couldn’t explain it to himself, but seeing Barnes appear so defeated, so subdued, didn’t sit right with him.   
  
The soldier turned pale eyes to look unseeingly at the wall across from him, shoulders slouched. “I am so sorry that you feel the way you do. And I know there really isn’t anything I can do or say to change that, because in reality they are your feelings and rightfully under only your control but this, this knowledge, this regret and these words are all I can offer you.   
  
“I’ve been selfish this whole time, staying in your tower, imposing on your being, making you feel uncomfortable in your own home, when by right you shouldn’t feel like the one who should adjust to accustom to others who don’t deserve it. Before there might’ve been an excuse, while I was the Captain, but now, I’ve overstayed my welcome.”   
  
_No_ , was Tony’s immediate thought and he really would have to think on why that was later on, when his brain finally caught up to everything, especially given the fact that not even an hour ago he might’ve felt inclined to agree with the words. “You don’t have to - ”  
  
“Please, you don’t have to say anything,” Barnes interrupted, shaking his head, finally turning to face the engineer fully once again. “You’re a good man Tony Stark and no-one should ever make you feel otherwise, especially not me, especially not Steve. Despite any predisposed feelings you might have, you’ve always done the right thing. I don’t need to know you personally to be able to see that.  
  
“I hope what I’ve said will give you some peace of mind. I’m sorry it took me so long to speak the words I should have the moment you returned.”  
  
He gave Tony one final meaningful look, an oddly melancholic smile tugging at the corners of his mouth, “There was one thing that I always wanted to say to you, something that’s tragic yet paradoxically cathartic in it’s simplicity - it’s the fact that had circumstances been different…” the soldier lingered at the edge of the workshop door, “We might’ve actually been friends,” before walking out.   
  
Tony couldn’t understand why he felt his heart break at the sentiment, feelings clawing their way past the barrier of his ribs and resting low beneath his sternum as he watched Barnes disappear from sight.   
  
He had a lot of thinking to do.   
  


  
—III__

 

  
“With War Machine out of play, Thor on Asgard and Sam benched we literally have no other aerial support. Carol said she could try to get here but there’s no guarantee she’ll even make it on time.”   
  
Tony looked around at the faces that were inhabiting the debrief room, each expression reflecting their own form of distress. Fury was sat at the head of the table, hands folded together and resting under his chin as he contemplated what to do next.   
  
“It’s not that big of a deal,” Clint spoke up, addressing Hill’s concerns. “There’s only a few of them this time around. Once we get the portal closed, that’ll be the end of them.”  
  
“But therein lies the problem,” Bruce countered from next to Tony. “Actually getting to the portal. The fact that it’s suspended so far up in the atmosphere and heavily guarded, it’ll be a mission just to keep the Kree soldiers occupied let alone getting close enough to the portal to close it.”   
  
“Dun’t matter,” Clint replied. “I’ll fire up a quinjet to get in proximity and Nat and I can take it from there.”  
  
“How do you propose to get the pulse radiators close enough to disrupt the EM fields?” Erik Selvig addressed Clint from across Tony. The man had coincidentally been in New York attending a conference before SHIELD agents had picked him up only a few hours ago, when signs of a strong electrical energy disruption in the atmosphere were intercepted by SHIELD’s radars. He, Tony and Bruce had spent the last three hours coming up with ways to close the portal before the remaining Kree soldiers descended on them.   
  
This ongoing war with the Kree soldiers had been intermittent, most of their forces having fallen after Thanos’ defeat, though every now and then for the past year-and-a-half, a few of the ones who had managed to escape to different parts of the earth would find time to recuperate before splitting open a portal in Manhattan and falling through to seek revenge against the Avengers; surprisingly each portal having a different energy signature to the ones before so that the previous ways of closing the portal no longer applied.   
  
Though as Clint had mentioned, their numbers had fallen so drastically that Tony was sure that once they got this portal closed, there really would be no more of them, at least until the ones that had retreated back to their home found a way to open up a worm hole in space. Tony rubbed his temples. He was starting to get a headache. Not even ten years ago, the biggest threat to his world had been international terrorists and now it had reached a stage where finding ways to impede alien invasions was commonplace.    
  
“We’ll manage,” was Clint’s bland reply. Tony knew his friend was doing the best that he could to keep Tony out of this mess when it appeared more and more like there would be no other choice but for Tony to get back into the suit and close the portal himself for the first time in two years. Despite being able to call up his armour at will now, Tony had yet to utilise this ability for combat; the armour resting within his bones - and he had to shudder at the thought every time it came to - more as a safety measure for his own protection given all that had happened in the recent past. He had made it his imperative goal after bringing Steve back and gaining Extremis that he would, along with Bruce, retire as an active Avenger. He had however stayed on as a consultant and tech adviser and designer, helping in any way he could now that he had infinite time on his hands. He tried not to be too bitter about the _infinite_ part.   
  
Retiring for him was like taking some form of control of his life - as ridiculous as the idea sounded - as if he had a choice with what to do with his life, instead of Fate dictating its outcome. But Fate did not exist; one should create their own destiny, as Thor would say, though in all honesty sometimes it felt like life for Tony Stark was just out there to get him, no matter which way he went about it. He was not a religious man by any extent, Thor and his Asgardians aside, but Tony’s existence did feel like a never-ending curse sent upon him by a higher power.    
  
However as he looked back up at Clint, Tony was very thankful that Clint seemed to have his back till this day. He felt rather comforted by the thought.  
  
Despite himself his eyes darted to the two soldiers, who were sitting side-by-side furthest from the head of the table across from Fury. Steve’s shoulders were slouched as if heavily burdened; fingers running along his forehead as he rubbed them just underneath his hairline, while Tony was surprised to see that Barnes, on the Captain’s right, for the first time since meeting him, looked genuinely tired.  
  
Tony’s heart started hurting again and it had nothing to do with the impending Kree attack. He took in a deep breath and, “I’ll do it.”  
  
Almost like a knee-jerk reaction, all heads immediately turned toward him.   
  
“This is no joking matter Stark.”  
  
Tony levelled the Director with a look that was clearly unimpressed. “Does it look like I’m having a giggle here, Fury?”  
  
“Tony - ” Both Clint and Bruce started but Tony only raised a hand to silence them. “I know what I’m saying you guys and I know what the implications are. This is the only logical way. I know you can fly the quinjet up there,” Tony pointed out when it looked like Clint was about to interrupt, “But Dr. Selvig is right. There’s no way you’ll be able to manoeuvre yourselves correctly in order to get the radiators in the correct position and it’s a little ridiculous to ask anyone else to pilot the suit when not one of you has flown in it before.”  
  
“Are you sure Tony?” Steve’s voice directed Tony’s attention toward the man. The Captain was up and out of his chair as he leaned his weight against his hands on the table, inclining himself a little toward Tony subconsciously. His blue eyes looked so hopeful that it left a confusing ache inside Tony.  
  
To his right Barnes was wide eyed and watching Tony, mirroring the sentiment, more alert than he had been in the last half hour.   
  
Tony managed a small smile as he looked back at his teammates, feeling a sense of rightness for the first time in two years, settling into his bones. “Yeah, I’m sure.”

 

—III____  
  


  
“Why didn’t you tell me?”  
  
Tony moved over toward Steve’s left, near the rear of the quinjet, before settling down into the seat next to his, away from the others. The fight-not fight with the Kree soldiers had taken no more than a quarter of an hour; Tony being able to manage most of them on his own before sealing the portal closed, hopefully for the final time. The other Avengers had sort of stood around awkwardly afterwards, having beaten any soldiers that had gotten past Tony, with relative ease while Tony had handled the rest.   
  
No-one had actually said it, but having Iron Man on board made things considerably easier to handle. Where not more than an hour ago, the others had been distressed by the idea of not knowing how to close the portal, most of them were now unsure of what to do with all this extra time they had managed to save. When Tony had landed back on the ground, Natasha had given him such a grateful smile that Tony hadn’t known what to do with himself. He had had no time to react when the petite Russian had made her way over to him, before enveloping him in a hug with the armour still on. She had pulled away with trembling fingers, whispering a, “Glad to have you back Iron Man,” close to where his ear would’ve been underneath the helmet, before hauling him along with the others toward the quinjet, ignoring any protests Tony might’ve had at the action. Though when he had looked over at Steve who had not stopped looking his way once, he supposed going back home with them wasn’t such a bad idea after all.   
  
As Tony relaxed back into thr seat next to him, armour now secure inside of him, Steve only looked back at him in confusion; the expression looking more forlorn, hanging around him like a second skin most of the time nowadays.  
  
Tony’s voice was soft when he answered Steve. “That you were willing to negotiate a form of armistice if not peace during the war… That you were actually going to meet with me yourself?”  
  
Steve’s eyes seemed to widen in understanding, flickering toward where Barnes was sat conversing with Natasha, before looking back at Tony. The soldier sighed, as if fatigued. “I don’t know. I guess at the end of the day, what was the point? I figured that when we were attacked along the way to you that the message of peace was a lost cause, buried underneath the ash and rubble of the past. And after everything that followed, you might have thought that I was making excuses, trying to justify or rather, make insignificant the devastation the war created by saying I tried to stop it first. If I felt like it would have made a difference I would have told you the moment I saw you again but then you couldn’t be in the same room with me for more than two minutes, so you see why I wouldn’t deem it important.” Despite the directness of the words, the comment had not sounded sarcastic, merely reflective in nature like Steve was simply stating facts, pointing out the obvious - which in reality he was.   
  
Tony watched the lingering sadness take over Steve’s form, noticing how it overwhelmed the usually powerful man, ageing him even though he was realistically still very young. Tony could feel that very sadness reach over to him, steadily seeping into his own pores. Barnes’ words echoed through his mind and again the impulsion to reach out and soothe the hurt took over him. “It would have, you know… made a difference. All this time… I didn’t think you cared. That you were willing to stand on the opposite side irrespective of who it was you were facing, that it wouldn’t have mattered to you either way had it been some villain or me; to you it would’ve meant the same. That I was no better or any more important to you than a petty foe you wanted behind bars if not dead- ” Steve sucked in harsh breath at the words, as if they cut him quite deep - “Any past history shared between us was insignificant, I was nothing more than an antagonist, that I was never your friend.”  
  
Steve turned anguished blue eyes toward him. “How could you ever think that Tony? I guess I mustn’t have done a good enough job to ever convince you otherwise, not that it was any effort to be your friend, your comrade. It never felt like a role I had to fulfill.”  
  
The soldier subconsciously leaned in closer toward Tony; their faces now only a few centimetres apart. “Working with you, being around you, in the times that we were together, came easy to me. I don’t think there’ll be any universe where I won’t care about you Tony, you gotta believe that.  
  
“At the time, before the war actually started, I was just so upset with the thought that you couldn’t see past your hatred, enough to want to talk to me, to hear me out on Bucky’s behalf or listen to my views. It broke me Tony because I thought you had no faith in me, in my judgement to give me a chance but then I guess I hadn’t given you much reason to in the past.” Tony sensed that Steve was implying their previous disagreements, one of the standout moments being their interaction influenced by the mind gem on the helicarrier not long before the battle of New York.   
  
“But in the past,” Steve continued, now angling his body completely toward Tony, to regard the engineer with his full attention, “Even if we did disagree, we always managed to work things out. Things were good when we were figuring them out ourselves but they were always better, the best when we tackled them together, side by side. Everyone could see that, but I guess we failed to appreciate or respect that.”  
  
Tony was silent for a long while after just watching the conflicted emotions pass over Steve’s features like heavy storm clouds, casting melancholia upon what used to once be a strong, positive disposition - a brightness that could rival the sun’s. It was nothing short of heartbreaking seeing the state Steve had gotten to. How had it taken Tony this long to notice? Would he have ever realised had Barnes not sought him out, revealing what he had?  
  
“I’m sorry too Steve. I know I’ve said it to you only once before, but I am sorry. For what it’s worth had I known that you tried to reach out to me, I probably would’ve given up my mad chase to find Barnes.”  
  
There was a few long seconds of deliberation on Steve’s part before full lips parted and the words, “Do you forgive me?” tumbled out. Tony had to do a double-take at that simple question; the gesture would have been comical under different circumstances. “What? Do _I_ forgive _you?_ Are you - ” Tony had to shake his head a few times to clear his thoughts. “Steve, there are days when I wake up during the early hours of the morning in a cold sweat because I spent the entirety of my night trapped within a nightmare where you were lost to us all forever. And there wasn’t a damn thing I could do to change the outcome. We all have blame to share for what happened. For me to forgive you would be to imply that I was completely faultless and you and I both know that isn’t even close to being true.”  
  
“But I’d still rather hear the words Tony, to at least appease my mind. Do an old soldier a favour?”  
  
Tony couldn’t help it. He gave in to the impulsion to reach over and brush back the hair that had fallen along Steve’s forehead; the Captain sucking in a breath at the gesture, blue eyes widening upon the contact. “I’m still angry about a lot of things and a part of me realises that I might never completely get over them but I think I’m finally ready to move forward. It’ll take time,” Tony looked around the quinjet at the others, catching Barnes’ eye in the process before looking back at a hopeful Steve, “But I feel like I can get there. There’s just one thing I ask from you and that’s - just -  please… don’t - don’t die on me again.”   
  
Steve huffed out a breathless, shaky laugh at that; Tony choosing not to mention the wetness pooling in the cerulean-blue eyes as Steve fought back tears. “For a moment there I thought _you_ were dead Tony, genuinely dead… and you have no idea. None. About what I felt or how I coped. If insanity could be personified, it would have been me. You’ll never be able to understand just how much I care but I see where you’re coming from. I promise I’ll try my best to be safe.”  
  
Tony gave a genuine smile in response, leaning in close. “Believe it or not Steve, that’s all I’ve ever really wanted.”  
  
  
—II___ Fin  
  



End file.
